I am discontinuing this blog and starting another one.  Gasp!  I’m sure you are very sad.  We’ve had some good times together, haven’t we?  Anyway, do not fret.  The new blog is basically the same as the old blog only with more updates (theoretically.)

Anyway, thanks for reading!  That means you!  And please visit Agnotology (that is the new blog.  Did I mention that?)

xoxoxoxoxo

Stonecutter

It’s a racism party at Drudge Report right now, and everyone is invited.  Let’s party like it’s Eighteen Thirty-One.

TOP STORY: A Black Lady Dancing in the White House?????  Not in my Merica!  Watch out, guys, all of the black people are getting together and WHO KNOWS how many will die as a result?

I am very scared of fucking Movie Star Common shooting all the police when he goes to the White House.  Aren’t we all scared of that?  I know that Matt Drudge is scared.  Huge Goddamn Movie Stars are super likely to shoot all the police. 

Great Racism Party, everyone.  Let’s do it again sometime.

For the record: Yes, I am using the liberal media gotcha journalism Weimar Republic tactic of picking the most unflattering picture possible of Rep. Michelle Bachman (as if there are flattering pictures, AMIRITE, MISOGINISTS??).  I am doing this because of jokes.

Last night, Barack Obama performed his Constitutionally-mandated stand-up comedy routine in which he reassured all the members of Congress that they would never have to sit next to each other again.  It was adorable, though, for a minute, to see Democrats and Republicans put aside their differences and solve the pressing issue of the Congressional Seating Chart.  Maybe it will inspire all Americans to persevere through their seat-related problems.  Like how the repo men took all of your chairs because you have no money because you are out of a job.  God Bless America.

Anyhoo.

After the boring speech that solved nothing was a boring Republican response that solved even less*, and after that was a speech by Professor Bachmann.  This is a big week for Bachmann speeches; she already delivered one over the weekend about how diverse the founding fathers were.  Let’s see how that went.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) had an interesting take this weekend on America’s first European settlers, who she said “had different cultures, different backgrounds, different traditions.”

“How unique in all of the world, that one nation that was the resting point from people groups all across the world,” she said. “It didn’t matter the color of their skin, it didn’t matter their language, it didn’t matter their economic status.”

“Once you got here, we were all the same. Isn’t that remarkable?” she asked.

That is remarkable, Michelle.  It’s remarkable in the same way that humans riding dinosaurs or your dreams from last night are remarkable; they didn’t really fucking happen.  

I guess she means that, since the white male property owners who founded our country weren’t all clones of the same Aryan Super-Being, they were, technically “diverse.”  Not ethnically or with regards to gender, but some of them were taller than others.  Plus: some people got to Make Decisions and Start Wars, some people got to shut up, raise their kids and submit to their husbands, and some people got to be stolen from their homeland and forced to work for free!  

If that’s not diversity, I don’t know what is.  (Ed. note: I am being told that this is not diversity.)

Ok, so that speech didn’t go so well.  How about her SOTU Rebuttal?

Well, for starters, she’s staring at the wrong camera the whole time.  

Since she is the only person speaking in a small room with no audience except the television viewer, I cannot imagine a reason why there would be two cameras in the room. It wasn’t a situation comedy (insert easy joke about Michelle Bachmann’s whole career being a situation comedy), so I doubt there was a 3-camera setup.  Considering how much bullshit she was spouting, maybe she couldn’t look Americans in the eye for fear of bursting into laughter.  

Also, she was so folksy and so factually incorrect, she made Bobby Jindal look like Bobby Kennedy.  She said stuff about “Obamacare” and how the stimulus “failed.” She pointed at a picture of Iwo Jima and pronounced the island’s name wrong.  She said the government would “put 16,500 IRS agents in charge of policing President Obama’s health care bill,” a claim that was widely debunked a long time ago.   If a high school sophomore spouted this bullshit in a history essay, they would fail.  If you’re Michelle Bachmann, you get to rattle off these lies in front of a national audience.  Yippee.

She did say one thing I agree with, though. “Just the creation of this nation itself was a miracle.  Who can say that we won’t see a miracle again?” Professor Michelle Bachmann, PhD, is right.  We should all rewatch the Disney movie Miracle, starring Kurt Russell. 

(*that’s right, it solved so little that it created new problems.)

EXCUSE ME, COMING THROUGH.  BREAKING NEWS, PEOPLE.  FOURTH BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT.  WATCHDOG FOR THE PEOPLE.  JUST THE FACTS, MA’AM.

WHEW.  Just when I thought that Rep. Giffords was just a public-servant nobody, The Huffington Post reassures me that she is tangentially related to someone famous.  Now, let’s all go see Country Strong.

Ok, this one should be easy.  Just a simple, logical statement that makes its way from point A to point B with absolutely no hiccups.

Via Talking Points Memo:

A Christian minister in Minnesota said on his radio program that the nation’s first Muslim member of Congress was soliciting the support of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community to implement Sharia law[…]

“I said time and time again that there is a correlation between the Muslims and the homosexual agenda, and we have a couple of fools in the state of Minnesota that are putting a rope around their neck and they just don’t realize it,” Dean said on a radio. “Here, let me give it to you this way: Keith Ellison is a Muslim.” […]

“Why is he so adamant about overthrowing the Constitution as it is right now? Because if you pay attention to the plow he’s planting the seed,” Dean said. “He’s trying to come through with Sharee [sic]law.”

“Does somebody want to talk to the homosexual community in the state of Minnesota and tell them what he is doing?” Dean continued. “Go online, folks! You love the homosexuals so much then why don’t you tell them who they’ve appointed as their chairperson? He’s a Muslim!”

Ohhhhhh.  He’s A Muslim. Well, why didn’t you say so?  Well if he’s Muslim, then he’s obviously secretly supporting the HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA(!) so that he can impose Sharee law.  Or Sharia law.  Whichever is the law that all those Muslims are always clamoring about.  I don’t need to know how to pronounce it to know that it’s ruining America. 

I like that, whenever a Certifiably Insane Person starts prattling on about Rep. Ellison, they announce that he’s Muslim like it’s a big fucking surprise.  Like Ellison didn’t get sworn in on a Qur’an, or talk openly about his faith.  He’s one of those Secret Muslims that everyone’s so worried about, only not secret, and therefore eviler.

So, the guy who presented this doctoral dissertation in wackiness is named Bradlee (too many E’s, parents) Dean.  I imagine all of you have a pretty stereotypical picture of Dean in your head, like I did: he just has to be a Fat, Old, White Man.  This is the sort of paranoid shit that Fat, Old, White Men love to say.  They don’t really know why they’re saying it; they just know that there’s a microphone in their face, so they’d better say something.  Here, a frantic Dean just goes for all the buzzwords.  ”Um.  Muslims!  Homosexuals.  THE GAY SHARIA LAW SECRET DEATH CLUB and also R.I.P. CONSTITUTION.”

But, actually, motherfucker looks like this.

WHAT.  I MEAN.

HUH?

Is that a keg next to his drum set?  Is he teaching the Gospels by way of Brett Michaels?  Because I feel like Jesus quit watching Rock of Love pretty early into it’s first episode.  Spaketh Jesus: “I mean, I like ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ as much as the next guy, but come on.”

Plus, there is no way that man needs all of those drums.  Neil Peart is skeptical.

Anyway, music is, apparently, an integral part of Dean’s ministry, You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International, which is either the best or worst name for a youth ministry, depending on your motives.  Awesomely, their website name is just youcanruninternational.com, which A) totally undercuts their name and B) makes them a sound like a sporting goods store.

The band that Bradleeeeee Dean has the pleasure of drumming with is called Junkyard Prophet (jeez.) and they are, according to Wikipedia, a “rapcore nu-metal band” oh my god I just threw up all over my keyboard. Thanks, Junkyard Prophet.

For the record: if you ever meet a guy in a Junkyard, and he’s like “What’s up, I’m a Prophet,” just leave that junkyard.  I don’t know what you were doing in that junkyard in the first place. 

Sigh.  Here is a music video.  The one that quotes from MLK with no apparent irony can’t be embedded, but I “recommend” it.

I’m really sorry if I just accidentally caused your suicide.  I take full responsibility for any bodies found with a note that simply reads “Fuckin’ Junkyard Prophet.”  But, like Wikileaks, I must report this information.  You need to know, before you take anything Bradleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Dean says seriously, that he drums in a nu-metal rap-rock (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!) band called Junkyard Prophet.  

Great.  More vomit.

Everybody knows Barack Obama is always indoctrinating our children.  He can’t stop.  Every time he opens his mouth, poor American children are voodoo-transformed into communist gaylords.  Sometime’s Barack Obama will be like, “Guys, I’m just giving a constitutionally-mandated State of the Union Address.  No big deal,” when you know he’s coming up with coded ways to work in product placements for those “Monster High” dolls that my daughter won’t shut the fuck up about.  JUST— OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE SECOND.  DADDY IS WRITING ON HIS WEBSITE.

YES, OF COURSE PEOPLE READ IT.  GO TO YOUR ROOM. 

Anyway, Barack Obama recently wrote a children’s book, which obviously is what he should be doing right now.  Oh, Obama.  Simultaneously ruining everything good about America and finding time to slack off and write picture books.  Is there anything he can’t do? 

As you know, anything endorsed by the President of the United States, like reading or blowjobs, will invariably be the hot new teen craze sweeping the nation.  ”Oh parents!” cried America’s youth, “Forget all those video games and Nerf guns and Legos that we thought we wanted, we actually wanted an inspirational children’s tale about great Americans through history!”  That is something children say all the time. 

Well, great.  Now I have to buy them stupid Barack Obama’s stupid book.  If only there were a competing book on the market, one that replaced all of the sentimental, good-natured historical aspects with mean-spirited, partisan jabs at liberals!

Oh, Snap. FOUND IT.

Compelling art! Gaze, at the flat, white whiteness of the North Pole, just as it appears in real life!  Thrill at the reindeer, not pictured, who I imagine are very difficult to draw!  This is some Thomas Kincaid The Painter Of Light shit, right here.

I hope that Thomas Condry is a five-year-old hired at slave labor wages, because he lacks any regard for “lines” or “color palette.”

So, I guess that’s Obama… in the pink suit, because he’s a pinko/homo/snappy dresser or something.  On the other side is, I shit you not, “Reverend Blight” because some people are (seriously?) still not over that and operate on sub-MAD Magazine levels of humor.  

The guy in the middle is the ghost of Mao, I suppose, or is it….

GASP.

So, the plot of this book is that Liberal Black Santa uses his Liberal Elves to impose his Liberal Agenda on Main Street, North Pole.  Subtle. Classy.  A bit of barely-detectable social commentary.

There’s Joseph Stalin, another guy who is definitely alive, and definitely influences President Obama’s policymaking.  Thank goodness there is no idealogical slant to this book, just the goddamn facts.

Seriously, though, look at how ugly this book is.  And look at how many words are on each page.

What kind of child is going to sit through this story?  About “elf-made global warming” conspiracies and communist infiltration of the free market?  There aren’t even any pretty pictures!  Half of that page is blank!  And this book costs fifteen dollars!

Well, anyway, the lesson here:  It’s indoctrination when the President addresses kids to spew platitudes about the importance of hard work and education, but it’s just wholesome American values to make a snarky book ridiculing his administration.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

It sure does suck that, because of Wikileaks, all of our foreign and domestic policies are now failures.  Dang!  Thanks, Julian Assange, a.k.a. Osama bin Leakin’.  Kha-leak Sheikh Mohammed.  Etcetera.

Yes, this woman wants to be President.  Yes, she is accusing a man who is not a citizen of this country (or, better, a website hosted in Sweden) a traitor.  Maybe she means “treason” in a folksy, down-to-earth small-town context.  Which is to say she doesn’t know what’s she’s talking about.

Then there’s this guy on Townhall, who has the kind of hard-hitting journalistic gusto that we need in times of crisis like these.

PAW I AM GOING TO GO GET MY GUN AND MY WALK TO WHEREVER JULIAN ASSANGE IS AND I AM GOING TO SHOOT THAT VARMIT FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION. PEW! PEWPEW!  LASER GUNS.

…OR, FAILING THAT, I WILL PEN A STERNLY-WORDED BLOG POST ABOUT WHY OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD DEFINITELY KILL HIM. 

Luckily, Smilin’ John Hawkins is an unimpeachable totem of logic.

His first reason, “Julian Assange aided the Taliban and risked the lives of Afghans who helped American forces” at least follows the narrative, and is a definite point of contention.  Although there’s no evidence that anyone has been harmed because of this, even Assange acknowledges it would “be a matter of deep regret” if it was proven that innocents were harmed.  

Then Hawkins gets to what he really wants: sweet, sweet revenge.

2) Killing Julian Assange would send a message: Julian Assange is not an American citizen and he has no constitutional rights. So, there’s no reason that the CIA can’t kill him. Moreover, ask yourself a simple question: If Julian Assange is shot in the head tomorrow or if his car is blown up when he turns the key, what message do you think that would send about releasing sensitive American data?

This is definitely the motive we want to be driving the decisions of the federal government.  Wasn’t the Vietnam War to send a message to Communists that America was Super Serious about democracy?  Ditto the Taliban and Al Qaeda in their respective wars?  Didn’t those not work out terribly well?  Also, by Hawkins’ logic, the C.I.A. can assassinate basically anyone who doesn’t have the God-given privilege of being an American Citizen.  Good foreign policy, Hawk.  

Also, just in case you were wondering whether the same people who insist they are for Limited Government are also for Government Transparency:

3) You can’t run a government without secrets

Nevermind that the fact that Robert Gates, the Secretary of Defense, the guy whose job it is to answer the question “Are we defended?” every day, said:

“Now, I’ve heard the impact of these releases on our foreign policy described as a meltdown, as a game-changer, and so on. I think those descriptions are fairly significantly overwrought. The fact is, governments deal with the United States because it’s in their interest, not because they like us, not because they trust us, and not because they believe we can keep secrets. Many governments — some governments — deal with us because they fear us, some because they respect us, most because they need us. We are still essentially, as has been said before, the indispensable nation.”

I heard that guy voted for George W. Bush, though, so what could he possibly know?

The Wikileaks document bonanza, according to the New York Times, includes:

Bargaining to empty the Guantánamo Bay prison: When American diplomats pressed other countries to resettle detainees, they became reluctant players in a State Department version of “Let’s Make a Deal.” Slovenia was told to take a prisoner if it wanted to meet with President Obama, while the island nation of Kiribati was offered incentives worth millions of dollars to take in Chinese Muslim detainees, cables from diplomats recounted. The Americans, meanwhile, suggested that accepting more prisoners would be “a low-cost way for Belgium to attain prominence in Europe.”

America: Hey!  Belgium!  You know how you suck? 

Belgium: I suck?

America: Yeah, you know, how no one in Europe respects you and they say you’re just the poor man’s France?

Belgium: What?  Who says that?

America: Everyone, man.  I heard Spain saying it just the other day.  But check this out:  you ever think about becoming a professional prison colony?

Belgium:  A what?

America: A prison colony, dude, like Alcatraz or Australia.  You just hang on to a few, totally not at all dangerous terrorist suspects that we don’t want for not at all suspicious reasons, and suddenly, boom, you are El Europo Numero Uno.

Belgium: Does that make sense?

America: It makes tons of sense.  It makes metric tons of sense, which is more.  I’m just saying, these prisoners aren’t gonna be around forever, Belgium, and nothing says “Mr. Cool Nation State” like becoming a host site to a bunch of probably-guilty people who in no way harbor resentment toward the western world.

Belgium: Ooh, you know what?… I would, except that my government seems to have dissolved when I wasn’t looking.  I should probably deal with this.

America: Hey, you know what makes coalition governments a breeze to form?  Suspected terrorists.

I have to give it to haters of Julian Assange: he kind of looks like a debonair serial killer.

Some Senators are like, super duper mad at this guy.

“Leaking the material is deplorable,” [Lindsey] Graham told Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday.”

“The people at WikiLeaks could have blood on their hands,” he said, before admitting he wasn’t sure how the dump would affect the country’s strategic negotiations abroad. 

Lindsey Graham is just saying that maybe the guys at Wikileaks might be MASS FUCKING MURDERERS.  THEY JUST MURDERED A GUY RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU AND THEN THEY HELD UP THEIR HANDS LIKE, “LOOKS LIKE THIS GUY’S GOT A LEAK PROBLEM OF HIS OWN,” REFERRING TO BLOOD.

“I don’t know what the cables may say, but we’re at war,” Graham said. “The world is getting dangerous by the day. People who do this are low on the food chain as far as I’m concerned. If you can prosecute them, let’s try.”

I like that Graham insinuates here that the cables will deny that we’re at war.  Like the leak contains a bunch of diplomats saying, “I can’t believe anybody thinks this is a real war, pffff.”  

McCaskill agreed, saying “the people who do these document leaks need to do a gut check about their patriotism.”

“I hope we can find out where this is coming from and go after them with the force of law,” McCaskill said.

Nice.  Bipartisan enforcement of the First Amendm- I’m sorry, of the government’s right to flail its arms wildly at anything that makes it look bad.  Drugs, terrorism, document-leakers.  Things that will always be there, being a pain in the ass, but are constantly treated as the WORST POSSIBLE thing that could happen.  Thus you must handle them with decisive, serious action just like Buffy, the Vampire Slayer would.  

Are these documents (which apparently sound kind of lame?) the long-delayed Mein Kampf 2: Monsters Unleashed? Unless the documents have quotes about high-level American and European politicians denigrating “the dirty sand people” or what have you, I doubt the people who hate us were planning on quitting if not for a new reason.  ”Thank god for Wikileaks,” Osama bin Ladin thinks, wiping a single tear from his stupid face.  ”If it weren’t for them, everyone would have realized that America is hella awesome.”

Anyway, it’s good to see that, even in this futuristic battlesphere called America we can get some bipartisan agreement on wanting to prosecute people for leaking some things that are probably not going to do anything but fuel a media cycle.  Well, you know what they say about media cycles.

They…. need fuel.

Hmm.

In the interest of personal safety, I ran far, far away from this blog after the Janjaweed Hitler Communist Uprising that big government has tried to masquerade as a “Midterm Election.”  I feared that the radical truth inherent in my prose would be too real for our new Overloards, and they would assassinate me just like they did to that Wikleaks guy (Jonah Goldberg knows what I’m talking about).  I am back now because I realized, after a twenty-day period of meditation and fasting in the Mojave Desert, that the truth is the only gun the middle class has left these days, and I am nothing if not a fierce proponent of the Second Amendment.

I’ve got Lies in the scope of my Truth Rifle, dear readers.  Let’s pull the trigger.

Did you know that, even though the new, Republican-controlled, House and the old, Democrat-“controlled,” Senate are just going to wave their dicks at each other and not pass legislation, you and I still have to pay their salaries and health care?  That seems fair.  After all, it’s not like any of them rose to power on a platform of eliminating government excess or waste or incompetence or inefficacy.  No sir.  All these fine men and women campaigned on “Making Sure Nothing Continues to Happen.” 

This is just what the electorate asked for!  Over dinner the other night, the electorate was all, “Gee, Bernice, I sure wish the federal government would stop getting so many gosh-darn things done!  All the problems of the middle class were solved, like, four hundred laws ago, but they just won’t stop legislating, god bless ‘em.”  Then the electorate sent fifteen more emails out declining job offers that keep rolling in, day after day.  The electorate already has all the jobs he needs, thank you very much!

I am also looking forward to this new Congress for the exciting Stunts that the incoming freshmen are certain to pull.  Those wily younguns are always up to no good.  I can’t wait until Rand Paul contracts Bubonic Plague, on purpose, just to showcase how awful socialized health care is.  His powerful “I Told You So” message will surely sweep him to reelection, even as his body succumbs to bacterial infection.  I’ve also heard that incoming Florida Senator Marco Rubio plans on playing a hilarious prank on his constituents; he’s going to swap all the principled libertarianism of the Tea Party that propelled him to office with party-line Republican bullshit.  Hilarious.

I, for one, welcome this change and hope for a better future (do you see what I did there?)   That worked out so well with the last guy.  What was his name?  Ciroc O-Vodka?  Which reminds me.  Time to get blackout drunk and hope that when I wake up this was all an absinthe-fueled nightmare.  If I come out of a booze coma and there’s still a Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) in my future, I am going to be very disappointed.